The Pizza Cleanse Method:
How much pizza to eat?
Ancient secret to perfect portions, revealed
how big is the perfect slice?
For millenia, humanity has looked to the stars and pondered the deepest of life's questions. Flourishing ancient civilizations developed their own answers; a clever method for determining pizza portions nearly lost in the hazy mists of time, now retold here for posterity:
1. Place outstretched hand palm-down on pizza
Scientists have recently proven* what ancient civilizations have long understood: that hand size is positively correlated with body size. Thus your hands are actually precision measuring instruments, individually calibrated to your unique body size and metabolic needs.
2. cut precisely around fingers
Use knife* or pizza cutter to exactly trace and cut your hand's shape on the pizza. Precision is key, otherwise your portion will end up too large or too small.
*dull knife recommended for unsupervised children
3. Enjoy your anatomically correct portion
The slice you have just created is a perfectly shaped replica of your hand. Like a fingerprint, no two people have exactly the same size PizzaPrint. How many of these to eat depends on your Pizza Cleanse goals. Refer to matrix below.
Pizza serving matrix
Alternate Portion method
The universal Pizza constant
There may be rare instances when it is impractical to place hand directly on pizza before cutting (e.g. pizza is behind glass, pizza too hot, infectious disease outbreak). For these rare and critical situations, scientists have developed the Universal Pizza Constant (UPC) Equation to determine portion size. (Coming Soon!)